More randomness

     The name 'hushhushhazirah' is actually given by a friend of my but actually i think it kinda fit me. I kinda love writing but i feel embarassed when people actually read it. I know its silly sebab aku bukannya publish benda mengarut pun kat sini(kena ar cover ayu sikit lol) tapi still. Rasa macam orang baca isi hati kita(in some way its actually true isnt it cause thats whats blogs are for) and i didnt like it when people do. I didnt like it when people know too much about what i feel, what i think. I have this some sort of insecurities. I generally get along well with people though. I didnt like it when people have a negative perception/impression, grudge or anything about me cause then i feel like i'll be more significant. And all i wanted to do is just blend in and not stand out. Thats kinda why when im in pasum i kinda stay low. Except my groupmate,roomate and floormate i didnt really interact with other. I just want to be there and then gone. And i think i change quite much when im in pasum. Dulu masa kat sekolah aku nie kira memang jenis pemalu ar seriously. Masa sekolah rendah lagi ar macam tak bercakap dgn orang lain except kawan aku 3-4 orang. Sebab tu lah aku rasa aku macam takde kenangan je kalau cerita pasal sekolah rendah. Theres nothing significant for me at that time. Yang aku ingat aku memang pemalas(dari tadika lagi actually lol) kerja rumah selalu sangat tak siap and cikgu pun dah tau perangai aku, bonda(cikgu bm), sir yen(guru kelas) and aku pengawas. Its literally kinda thats it.

        Masa sekolah menengah pulak dekat BRASS(ceh gempak tak nama?haha) that stands for Bukit Rambai Secondary School, best sikit. Mula rapat dengan orang baru and memang banyak jugaklah pengalaman. Serious rindu sangat nak taekwondo kat sana :'(  and overall aku rasa aku makin free and i started to enjoy the people around me although ada lah jugak benda kecik2 yg berlaku but i take it as an experience and didnt stress about it. Then PMR happen and Alhamdulillah kawan2 aku dapat result yang baik. Masa nie rasanya aku walaupun macam dah open up sikit overall aku still agak pendiam dengan orang lain.

      Lepas tu pindah IT(Integrasi Temerloh). Temerloh yes Pahang. And kat situ pun actually best jugak. Penat sikit sebab agak jauh tapi seronok sebab pengalaman. Hmm rasanya aku agak lah pemalu and pendiam sikit kat sini. Tak sure apa persepsi orang terhadap aku sebenarnya lol tapi aku memang TAK BOLEH BERCAKAP DEKAT DEPAN. Tangan aku memang automatik akan start jadik sejuk, jantung pun berdegup laju gila and aku akan jadik nervous gila sampai aku hampir lupa apa nak cakap buat semua seriously. Kalau kau nampak aku macam cool je masa kat depan tu maka ketahuilah bahawasanya aku sedang berusaha sedaya upaya untuk mengawal ekpresi dan reaksiku supaya tidak nampak kegelisahan yg bermukim di hati ini hahaha.

      And then comes PASUM. Serious pasum nie best. Rasa macam college life betul. But sadly ive wasted all that. Pastu sekarang mula ar terumbang ambing tak tau nak buat apa lepas nie. Ya Allah please ease my way. Amin.

      Aku rasa sebenarnya aku dah merapik jauh gila tapi tak kisah ar kan dah alang2 tengah ada mood nak menulis nie. So thats it for this post i think Assalamualaikum :)